… Tom Fucking Cruise. Believe that.

In continuing with my previous article on bad luck, I’m trying to stay away from as many DIRECT sports articles as possible, and I despise the Church of Scientology… so this seemed like a good fit.

I’m pretty sure that anything that happens to WVU that is bad… and hell, maybe even my bad luck, can be wholly attributed to Tom Cruise.

I believe he’s also responsible for 1 in 4 Americans having herpes, 9/11, child abuse in Alabama, pig fucking in Kentucky, and the Egyptian chaos. (The Egyptian part is pure speculation on my part, of course.)

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According to a report in The New Yorker, the Church of Scientology is under investigation for human trafficking and using free labor — in part, to service the demands of its celebrity icon, Tom Cruise.

After 34 years as a Scientologist, Hollywood screenwriter and director Paul Haggis opened up to The New Yorker in a super-sized feature, revealing secrets of the Church.

The allegations splashed against Scientology in the article involve David Miscavige, the head of the Church and close friend of Tom Cruise. Allegedly, he ordered workers to do tiresome, dirty work to customize a building, rebuild motorcycles, spend over a year fixing a boat and much more for Cruise and the Church.

Their compensation? Fifty dollars a week.

The financial impropriety allegations don’t stop there, though. While federal law forbids the heads of tax-exempt organizations from receiving excess financial or material benefit, many ex-members say that Miscavige lived a very lavish lifestyle. He reportedly flew on chartered jets, wore custom-made shoes, had an impressive collection of expensive cars and motorcycles, and even had two chefs.

The investigation apparently centers on accusations of human trafficking and unpaid labor and the article explores the “reeducation” camps to which Scientologists that fail to live up to their religious duties are sent.

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So you know these concentration camps reeducation camps are probably Tom’s little playground of grooming young boys into his perfect little sex slaves.

I also guaran-damn-tee you that L. Ron Hubbard Jesus Christ Tom Cruise is wholeheartedly responsible for the explosion in popularity of Justin Bieber.

Anyway, there are a billion reasons to hate Tommy, but let’s get back to the matter at hand here.

Tom Cruise’s sex slave is also John Travolta’s sex slave.  Travolta’s nephew loves Justin Bieber.  Justin Bieber’s mom slept with a hobo in Central Park.  The Central Park hobo used to be a very successful businessman and had more money and popularity than the Golden Voice could ever have.  The Golden Voice once borrowed a dime from a woman to drop a deuce in a pay toilet.  That woman was born in Fairmont, WV and loved pepperoni rolls.  A Wiccan once put a spell on a pepperoni roll that my dad’s, cousin’s friend ate… and that woman puked during a WVU game after drinking a lot and screamed OH GOD, NEVER AGAIN!

The Mountaineers were enjoying immense success at the time, and God was hungover, so he totally didn’t get what she was saying.

You may call me crazy or a conspiracy theorist, but it’s the truth… and Tom Cruise is the whole reason WVU loses any game, misses out on any recruit, and probably the reason Oliver Luck went behind Coach Stew’s back to get Holgorsen.

Anyway, start hating on Tom Cruise just like I do… but I gotta go.

I have to finish building Tom this palatial gazebo at this camp I’m at this week… although I’m worried I’m not going to be able to leave after seeing the barbed wire fences and the fact that they took my keys.

The dude abides.